Ah, Valentines Day – my favorite celebratory day! NOT! While I’m not one who’s big on Cupid, I’ll at least share with the lovers everywhere in the spirit of music. Earlier, I penned a genuine list of legit Valentines songs. However, why not have fun with a certain raunchy R&B artist by the name of R. Kelly? Face it, Kells is plumb nasty and has a discography full of risqué, over-the-top songs that are definitely NOT love songs. Sure, Kelly has written some love songs too, but he seems to prosper in the realm of all things sexual. Here are 10 raunchy songs from Kelly for Valentines Day. Let your inner-freak awaken… or just shake your head like I do every time I hear any of these songs.
“Bump N’ Grind”
Raunchy lyrics: “I don’t see nothing wrong with a little bump and grind”
“My mind is telling me no, but my body, my body’s telling me yes…” First mistake R., first mistake! Back when, “Bump N’ Grind” was definitely raunchier than it sounds now, particularly compared to R. Kelly’s most recent album, Black Panties. Still, Kelly definitely has more than dirty dancing on his mind. Bumping and grinding seems like part of the process – a means to ends.
Raunchy lyrics: “I’m goin’ down down down / and do it ‘til your legs’ shakin’…”
R. Kelly, you dirty dog you! “Bump N Grind” don’t have nothing on “Legs Shakin’”, which opens Black Panties with a bang… bad choice of words – sorry! To make things even more X-rated, Kelly brings in Ludacris – enough said. But if you really want a brief summarization of Ludacris’ ludicrous verse, well it involves his “tongue.”
“Ignition”/ “Ignition Remix”
Raunchy lyrics: “Girl, please let me stick my key in your ignition, babe / so I can get this thing started and get rollin’, babe / see I’ll be doing about 80 on your freeway / Girl, I won’t stop until I drive you crazy…”
Any R&B song that has the word ignition in it has to be bad news. Kelly’s no. 2 hit is no exception. “Ignition” really has nothing to do with a car and everything to do with the bedroom – or Kelly’s venue of choice. Still, even I have to give credit for his songwriting skill relating everything to automobiles, the highway, and various traffic signals, LOL.
“Feelin’ On Yo Booty”
Raunchy lyrics: “Now your body’s got me feelin’ like spending / with a back room I could come to live in / and your hair weave looking kind of pretty / the way you back it up on me / Lord have mercy” (Verse 2)
“Feelin’ On Yo Booty” is lush and relaxed in sound and vibe, but it’s still filthy and characteristic of Kelly. Perhaps he doesn’t overdo his fantasies/innuendo here, but verse two confirms what Kelly’s thinking about – the “spending” part, the “weave”, the blasphemous “Lord have mercy” in regards to the sinful. But if that’s what tickles your fancy this V-day, well here it is.
Ridiculous Lyrics: “Cookie, cookie, cookie, I’m a cookie monster…”
Raunchy lyrics: “Mm, like an Oreo / I love to lick the middle like an Oreo / Oreo, Oreo, like an Oreo / I wanna bite it, and get inside it till I get you gone”
R. Kelly definitely isn’t singing about the tasty Oreos one buys in the grocery store. Additionally, Kelly also is incredibly far removed from his wholesome turns like “The Storm Is Over” (TP2.com) or “U Saved Me” (Happy People/U Saved Me). No my friends, R. Kelly has transformed being a “Cookie Monster” into something entirely more adult… “Cookie, cookie, cookie, I’m a cookie monster…” Furthermore, Kelly way overuses the “n” word in the first verse…I mean about every line Kells, really?
Raunchy lyrics: “First you want me to go down and push the power button”; “Girl push menu and check out the features / just let me put this adaptor in you it will keep you charged up”; “Just try to imagine that I’m the panel and you are in control / baby push the down arrow now we’ll go down low….”
Before you even ask, yes, R. Kelly is singing about exactly what you think he is singing about – “down south” if you catch my drift. R. Kelly sings on the refrain: “I’ll be your remote, touch me on make sing a song, now put me on slow / baby push enter now fast forward / girl you got me programmed under your control / something about the way you turn it over and poke it out / said it makes me want to grab the remote and put that a$$ on pause.” Everything about “Remote Control” is wrong, in a pleasurable way that is…
“In The Kitchen”
Ridiculous lyrics: “Cutting up tomatoes, fruits and vegetables and potatoes / girl you look so sexy while you’re doing the damn thing I want…” (Bridge)
Raunchy lyrics: “Girl I’m ready to toss your salad”; “Cause here we are still in this kitchen doing it for the third time”
On “In The Kitchen”, R. Kelly provides his audience with a wealth of, well sex. There’s a reason he finally proclaimed himself to be a sex “Genius” folks. The refrain says it all: “Sex in the kitchen, over by the stove / put you on the counter, by the buttered rolls / hands on the table, on your tippy toes / we’ll be making love, like the restaurant was closed.” SMH. Kelly overdoes it on his dramatic treatment of the lyric “Girl I’m ready to toss your salad.” That’s just filthy Kells!
“The Greatest Sex”
Raunchy lyrics: “And inside of your walls there will dwell a Capricorn / (that will feast your body all night) / if we keep this up then a love child will be born” (Pre-Chorus); “The greatest all night long / baby your love stays constantly on my mind / this is the best sex I’ve ever had” (Refrain)
As usual, R. Kelly leaves very little to the imagination. To his credit though, Kelly tries to make “The Greatest Sex” sound like a ballad of substance besides mere physicality. Still, he kills the emotional vibe when he ‘poetically’ delivers the reference about “inside of your walls”, “feast your body”, and “if we keep this up then a love child will be born.” He may aim for chivalrous love making, but is there really such a thing since Kelly seems so concerned about touching? It is what it is…
Featuring Keri Hilson
Raunchy lyrics: “Can’t nobody do it like us / can’t nobody mix, chop, and screw it like us / all over the living room hittin’ it like us / in the middle of the night wake up the building like us…” (Verse 1, R. Kelly); “Cutting like some blades on a caddy, that’s how you’re working me, daddy” (Verse 2, Keri Hilson)
The classiest thing about “Number One” is its title; it sounds inspiring at least. Beyond that though, R. Kelly and Keri Hilson describe the pleasure of their “number one sex”. As dirty as Kelly’s verse is, Keri Hilson holds her own. One of the raunchiest lines from Hilson comes during the quick-paced close of her second verse and is hard to decipher. Still, one does here about a certain organ and it’s definitely not a pipe organ. I’ll leave it at that.
Raunchy lyrics: “Go to sleep and when we wake up / I’m a hit that thing again promise / signs and miracles up in this room / while I’m pleasin’ you” (Pre-Chorus); “I’m blessed with the insight to please your body / girl tonight you’re lying with a sex genius / nothing like the ordinary I’m a love wonder / Tonight you’re lying with a sex genius.” (Chorus)
R. Kelly is certainly confident to say the least, and he didn’t have to release “Genius” to confirm this confidence. Here, Kelly puts his lovemaking abilities on a pedestal, claiming to be better than everybody else at the do. Kelly’s seriousness in his craft is epitomized when he goes so far as to say he’s “Blessed with the insight to please your body.” But honestly, would anyone expect anything less from the same artist who’s been risqué – and a bit perverted – throughout his career?